The Skeptic's Guide to the Paranormal

by Lynne Kelly

Excerpt:
Entry-level Cold Reading
The beginner's version is just to use a standard spiel which pretty well fits everyone. The most famous is that developed by Bertram Forer in 1948 and gleaned from astrology columns collected at the local newsstand, His students rated it on average at over four out of five, with five being perfect. It has received similar ratings over subsequent decades of testing. How would you rate it for accuracy for yourself?

Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. At times you are extroverted, affable, while at other times you are introverted, wary and reserved. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. You pride yourself on being an independent thinker and do not accept others' opinions without satisfactory proof. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety, and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. Disciplined and controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside.

You sexual adjustment has presented some problems for you. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a strong need for other people to like you and for them to admire you.

....

(When I first read this, I was quite stunned... But on hindsight, it all makes sense. It is obvious that no one behaves the same way under circumstances. Everyone has their "other side". Makes me wonder, aren't we all the same, but trying to be different?)

Drop the Pink Elephant

by Bill McFarlan

"Don't think of a pink elephant!"

- often, the "don't" word would disappear, leaving you with a clear picture of a pink elephant...

What is a pink elephant?
->an unnecessary, and normally vivid negative image
--> Drop the Pink Elephant!! Stick to positives

---

Section 1 : Dump the Baggage and Create Clarity
1. Drop the Pink Elephant

• describe what is happening, rather than denying what you believe is someone else's perception
  

2. Every Picture Tells a Story

• speak in vivid pictures to paint clear descriptions
  
• avoid vague concepts that are difficult to picture
  
• use analogies to turn abstract concepts into clear pictures
  

3. Keep it Simple, Stupid

• keep your message simple to have the best chance of being understood
  
• take to all jargon and TLAs (three-letter-abbreviation)
  
• Avoid talking above or below your audience's level. Talk to them. Talk at their level
  

---

Section 2 : Be Principled in What You Say
3. Staying on the Highway (not into the marsh)

• retain the moral high ground by remaining patient and polite
  
• be sure of your facts and use only polite explanation
  

4. Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

• to be wrong hurts us deeply. It shakes our self-confidence, and makes us doubt our ability. But the truth may well be that we are simply wrong
  
• saying "sorry" is the best way to start rebuilding confidence in your relationship
  
• people respect those who have the courage to apologise, and lose respect for those who pretend to be infallible
  
• 3 Rs - Regret, Reason, Remedy
  
  • Apology, Explanation and Solution
    
  • This manages expectations, which must then be met
    

6. Tell the Unpalatable Truth, Rather than the "White" Lie

• differentiate between 'Fact' and 'Opinion'
  
• the truth can be defined by how far you're willing to go to establish a fact
  
• the truth is reality; a lie is a figment of the imagination
  
• once a lie is discovered, you're a liar
  

7. Thank You and Well Done

• demonstrates appreciation
  
• raises self-confidence and also the person you're thanking
  
• builds loyalty, while the lack of recognition builds indifference
  
• when someone thanks you, accept his / her gratitude with good grace. Put it in your "bank" and watch your confidence grow
  

8. Who Looks Stupid When You Criticise in Public?

• criticism in public often tells more about you than your target
  
• what is the greater crime? to get a fact wrong, or to leave your partner, friend or colleague angry, upset or embarrassed? (unless the mistake leads to confusion / misinterpretation)
  
• criticism
  
  • constructive - to be delivered in private, only if you can suggest a better way of doing something
    
  • destructive - destroys confidence and turn them into critics themselves
    

9. Avoid Sarcasm

• use humour well --> how? directed inwards!!
  
• a remark is only funny if the audience finds it funny (not yourself)
  
• self-depreciating humour will usually win an audience on your side
  
• sarcasm can be witty, or gratuitously vicious
  

---

Section 3 : Positively Assert yourself
10. Flush out the Watering-Down Words

• don't depreciate yourself. Take credit!
  
• remove words that dilute your message eg "quite", "relatively", "hopefully", "fairly" etc
  
• "I think" ---> "I believe" ---> "(none)"
• changes from opinion to belief statement to a fact/challenge/commitment
  
• "I'll try" and "try my best" means INACTION!! =X= "I'll"
  
• "I'll do my best" ... my best =X= your best ...
  
• assume? check!! it'll save lots of trouble and potential embarrassment
  

11. Talk Positively About Yourself

• "How are you?" --- "surviving" -> "not bad" -> "very well"
  
• tells people about your self-esteem (and you may happen to know that most people don't really want to know how your kitchen pipe leaks etc..)
  
• start describing your life positively and watch the interest grow
  
• be positive and proactive in the face of bad news. By breaking the news, you remain in control what's being said first
  

12. Yes; No; I don't know..

• "yes" is a powerful word
  
• avoid being evasive, where possible begin an answer with "yes", "no" or "I don't know"
  
• "no" is the correct answer when you need to assert what you want
  
• "I don't know" is the honest answer to many questions. Remember to add what you know
  

---

Section 4 : Think of the Audience
13. It's all relative

• for anything to be interesting, we need to relate to it
  
• what's interesting to us may be boring to our audience
  
• puts a problem in perspective to see how small it really is --> Richard Carlson - "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"
  
  • (A plate is smashed in the kitchen; some people get very upset about such situations. But considering that either you will outlast the plate or vice versa, which would you rather happen?)
    

14. E-mail and Text - Bullets or Boomerangs

• e-mails travel faster than bullets, so be certain of what you're saying before pulling the trigger
  
• consider how your e-mail would look on the front page of a newspaper, because it could end up there
  
• remember that words look harsh when tone and body language are absent
  

15. The Queen's English

• writing for the eye to read VS writing for the ear to hear
  
• conversational English makes a speech or presentation much easier to follow
  
• the misuse of words can be an obstacle to understanding
  
• we all can have accents; stop being too self-conscious about yours
  

16. Three Little Questions

1. What do I want to say?
   
2. Who am I talking to?
   
3. So how should I explain it?

• always have a few points ready
  
• consider your audience and their interests
  
• arrange your bullet points in order of importance
  

---

Section 5 : Create Deeper Understanding
17. Listen First to Understand

• listen carefully to the person you're talking to
  
• take a genuine interest in what they say to widen your understanding
  
• contribute to the conversation in meaningful way, rather than just waiting to butt in
  

18. Pay Attention to Percentages

• 55% - by the body language
  38% - by the tone of the voice
  7% - by words
  
• body language accounts for 55% of the message, so make sure your eye contact in particular underlines what you're saying, rather than undermining it
  

19. Powerful Words

• powerful words can sum up a situation better than loose thoughts
  
• they can inspire you to succeed and to act in the knowledge that others have gone there before you
  
• words have to be consistent with your actions. Otherwise they're just words
  

20. Think, then Talk, then Act

21. Now Tell The World

• put the Highway Code rules of communications into action every day
  
• allow your confidence to grow from the certainty they bring to your words, your thoughts and actions
  
• tell the world what you have to offer. It can mean the difference between success and failure, happiness and frustration, even life and death
  

Being Happy

by Andrew Matthews


Change and the subconscious

• The mind is like an iceberg: there is the part we see, the conscious, and the much larger part we don't see, the sub-conscious. Our subconscious mind is responsible for a large slice of the results in life
  
• These rotten patterns I have - when will they change? When will they stop? The answer is," Life changes when we change"
  
• Old negative patterns are tenacious but changeable
  
• All change is met with resistance; be prepared for challenges
  
• We are never stuck with patterns; always think positively about yourself and visualise your life you want it to be
  
• The world is a reflection of ourselves
  
• The goal of any psychotherapy is to change an individual's image of himself
  
• Self-confidence
  
• You deserve the love and respect just because you are you
  
• Our subconscious behavior and our subconscious programmes are intertwined with our self-concept
  
• Our expectations can make us sick
  
• Think healthy, happy thoughts; accept and love yourself where you are right now, and acknowledge that you have been living life to the best
  
• Pain causes us to contemplate, to change direction. It prompts us to look at things differently. Some people never realise that it is time to take their hand off the stove
  
• The environment affects us much; if you are serious about changing your life, get serious about changing what surrounds you.
  
• Change is inevitable - face changes bravely, as it is natural for all things to change
  
• Do not blame anyone, including yourself for things. Change and solve the problem
  
• If you are not happy, CHANGE! It is the easiest to change yourself!
  

---

Money

• Use money; don't let money use you
  
• Money -
  
  • commitment
    
  • save, then spend
    
  • observe wealthy people
    
  • ask for help
    
  • spoil yourself occasionally
    
  • stretch you belief system
    
  • reaffirm yourself
    
  • make plans; set goals
    
  • trust yourself with money
    
  • do not blame others. Or yourself.
    
  • enthusiasm
    
  • poverty is a mental disease
    

Fear

• You are only open to intense fear when you are being inactive; the minute you start to take action and actually do something, fear subsides
  
• Living in the now is about taking action without the fear of the consequences ( but no without considering... )
  

Live in the now

• Live for now; enjoy everything you have now
  
• Time doesn't really exist, except as an abstract concept in your head. The present moment is the only time you have.
  
• Letting go of situations sometimes accelerates results
  

Forgiveness

• If we refuse to forgive somebody, then we are really saying," Instead of taking some action to improve matters, I prefer to live in the past, and blame somebody for it. ( or blame myself )". We are just putting ourselves through extra mental anguish
  
• Unforgiveness is one of the greatest causes of sickness, because a sour mind creates a sour body
  
• Blaming and feeling guilty are equally dangerous and destructive
  
• When we are to blame, we avoid the real issue which is to do something about the problem
  
• It's always our choice whether we get on with our life and live in the now, or whether we chain ourselves to grudges and upsets of the past
  
• Be open and frank; people will love you for it
  

Imagination rules

• Your subconscious mind affects what you get: Think positive to get positive results.
  
• Exercise your imagination: it rules the world
  
• Have wild dreams and take steps to fulfill them
  
• Have a goal and review it constantly
  
• Whether you think you will succeed or not, you are probably right
  
• Mental practice is very important ( maybe even better than physical exercise ) as there are little distractions etc, and it builds confidence
  
• What you believe is often what you get; think positive
  
• The mind creates mind thoughts: such thoughts can attract like a magnet. Discipline your thoughts and you can determine what you reap
  

Thoughts and Words

• Speak only if you have something constructive and positive to say
  
• Repeat thoughts to reaffirm yourself: our words affect how we think and feel
  
• ASK! Asking is important as it
  
  • indicates self-worth and self-esteem
    
  • keeps you healthy through openness
    
  • is logical as others cannot read minds
    
  • makes others happy to help you
    
  • ~ even if people reject us 50% of the time, at least we get some help on the other 50% of the time, which we otherwise will not have!
    
  
  

Working at being happy

• Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be
  
• Most people remember compliments for a few minutes and insults for years
  
• Being happy can be hard work sometimes - you've got to hang on to your treasures and throw out the garbage
  
• Disasters aren't so disastrous if we tackle them a piece at a time. The sooner we recognize what we stand to gain from the experience, the easier it is to deal with
  
• Laughter is the best medicine
  
• If everything has gone wrong, why worsen things by not being happy as well?
  
  
• An attribute of gratitude ensures that our attention is on what we want. Count your blessings and you'll get more
  
• Whatever labels we place on ourselves are our responsibility
  
• Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it
  
• Living is different from pure existence. Life is a risk, but that makes it interesting
  
• To get whatever you want, do whatever you can!
  
• There ain't no such thing as a free lunch
  
• the hour before dawn is the darkest; hang in there and you will see brightness
  
• Notice how much children laugh every day?
  
• Relax and stay calm - it's the best way to solve problems
  
• Be emotionally unattached, let go of end-results and work towards our goals. It is the process that is challenging and rewarding
  
• Life is worthless, unless you give it value
  
• Wherever you are, it is the place to start; the effort put in will make a difference!
  

Making Friends

by Andrew Matthews


Be yourself

• Most people live lives of quiet desperation -- don't
  
• Stop comparing; no one is the same
  
• Remember that no one is perfect!
  
• We don't have to change everyone else -- when we gently change some of our own ideas, our relationships improve automatically
  
• People who laugh at themselves have more fun, more friends and less ulcers! When we feel embarrassed about ourselves, others feel embarrassed, and ultimately, we cut them off
  
• While a belief system is holding you back, you keep creating opportunities for yourself to learn about it. Once you make a breakthrough, you don't really have to keep learning the same lesson, and your life changes
  
• You can control the situation. Make your own decisions and stay by it. There is no need to seek approval of others. You need not explain your actions
  
• Be your own judge as to what is fair -- don't allow others to sentence you to guilt based on their own perceptions of right and wrong. Dare to say "NO" without guilt, or explanation.
  

Problem Solving

• It's often your own fault; fix them and learn the lesson
  
• Nobody can make you miserable without your permission
  
• Don't concentrate on the problem -- concentrate on the solutions!
  
• Only little people make nasty remarks and only little people rake offense. Be a big person
  
• There are 3 types of arguers:
  
  • Reformers
    
  • Attention seekers
    
  • Fighters
    
  ~ Don't even bother with the last two. They have the right to disagree, but that's it
  

Interpersonal

• Be tactful and tell it like it is. Honesty with others is a sign of respect for others, and a sign of self-respect
  
• Express anger rationally. Let others know how you feel frankly, instead of scolding or keeping it to yourself. Say "I am angry about... " or "I really appreciate... , but... "
  
• Others respect us to the degree we respect ourselves
  
• Never be dragged by guilt or predictions
  
• Assert yourself and be objective about it
  
• Take responsibility for your feelings and be specific on what you want.
  
• You win some you lose some:
  When you win, it means that you can take control of the situation and get what you want
  If you lose, at least you have expressed your feelings
  
• What people think of you is none of your business
  
• While respecting others, be true to yourself; if people disagree with you, it's their business
  
• Compliments make people feel wonderful
  
• People do crave recognition
  
• Good speakers
  
  • relate to their audience
    
  • give little thought to the impression they are making
    
  • are humourous
    
• Listen!! Simply listen. People will appreciate that
  
• Believe in yourself
  
• Give everyone personal space
  
• People appreciate us for what we say, and what we don't say even more sometimes
  
• Do not tell people that they are wrong, look for alternatives
  
• Admitting mistakes is brave and admirable
  

Attitude 101

by John C Maxwell


Axioms about attitude

1. our attitude determines our approach to life
   
2. our attitude determines our relationships
   
3. often our attitude is the only difference between success and failure
   
4. our attitude at the start of a task will affect its outcome more than anything else
   
5. our attitude can turn our problems into blessings
   
6. our attitude can give us an uncommonly positive perspective
   
7. your attitude is not automatically good because you're a religious person
   

"A person with an outstanding attitude makes the best of it while he gets the worst of it."
"Life can be likened to a grindstone. Whether it grinds you or polishes you depend upon what you are."

Learned Optimism

by Martin E.P. Seligman

1. Control VS Helplessness
   
2. How we think problems are (where most of the time, they aren't)
   
   • Permanent - eg I'll never learn to skate
     
   • Pervasive - eg I can't do anything well
     
   • Personal - eg I am too stupid for that
     
   
   
3. Dispute!
   
   • Dispute inaccurate, pessimistic and degrading thoughts about yourself ( and anyone else )
     
   • rationalize your thoughts!!
     - treat yourself as a madman. rethink your thoughts, and see if they really hold
     

A few things to remember:
A - adversity
B - belief
C - consequence
D - dispute
E - energize

Personality Profile

Allen R. Miller

Automatic Thoughts

• helps / deters you from reaching your goals
  
• Self-fulfilling prophecies...
  

Psychodynamics

Identity ---------- Ego ----------	Super-ego
(eg physical needs, drives, instincts)	(eg conscience)

Defence Mechanisms
When ego can't deal with some problems, it switches to Defence Mechanisms like:

• denial (evasion)
  
• repression (bottle up)
  
• intellectualization (separate emotion and memory)
  
• displacement (vent on others)
  
• projection (find faults with others but not self)
  
• reaction formation (doing just the opposite eg. instead of slapping someone, you give him a big hug.)
  
• identification (find role-model)
  
• regression (revert to earlier habits etc)
  
• rationalisation (make excuses)
  
• sublimation (use energies on something else)
  

---

Neurosis Theory (our needs)

affection / approval desire for partner restricting life to narrow borders	} Compliance
desire for power or control over others exploitation of others social recognition personal admiration from others personal achievement	} Aggression
self-sufficiency and independence perfection	} Withdrawal

---

Stages of development -- Erik Erikson

1. Trust VS Distrust
   
2. Autonomy VS Doubt
   
3. Initiative VS Guilt
   
4. Industry VS Inferiority
   
5. Identity VS Role Confusion
   
6. Intimacy VS Isolation
   
7. Generativity VS Stagnantation
   
8. Ego-Integrity VS Despair
   

---

Schemas

- cognitive structures
- how we interpret our experiences

Schema Domains

1. Disconnection & Rejection
   
2. Impaired Autonomy & Performance
   
3. Impaired Limits
   
4. Other-directedness
   
5. Overvigilance & inhibition

Schemas:
Shy ---- Outgoing
Passive ---- Aggressive
Emotionally flat ---- Emotionally intensive
Anxious ---- Fearless
Sensitive ---- Invulnerable

Temperament

- shy vs outgoing
- passive vs aggressive
- emotionally flat vs emotionally intense
- anxious vs fearless
- sensitive vs invulnerable

Early Environment

Cognitive Disorders:

1. All-or-nothing thinking
   
2. Catastrophizing
   
3. Disregarding the positive
   
4. Emotional reasoning
   
5. Labeling
   
6. Magnifying and minimizing
   
7. Mental filters
   
8. Mind-reading
   
9. Overgeneralisation
   
10. Personalizing
    
11. Making "should" or "must" statements
    
12. Having tunnel vision
    

Avoidance

Overcompensation

Self-esteem
inferiority ----- self-esteem ----- superiority

The goal of personality is to strive for superiority
- to be able to solve problems and deal with the everyday stuff...
- problems arise when people set unrealistic goals of achieving superiority over others
- and consider themselves failures when they do not achieve them

Goal of Mental Health
- to be connected
- to develop oneself fully
- to contribute to others

---

Personality Disorders :
[ Eccentric ]

Paranoid (extreme disgust without reason)

• over - mistrust, vigilance, suspiciousness
  
• under - trust, serenity, acceptance
  

Schizoid (without personality; cold)

• over - autonomy, independence, isolation
  
• under - intimacy, reciprocity
  

Schizotypical (both of the above, and hallucinations)

• cognitive distortions eg. feel they are responsible for some events like floods
  
• feel they are odd / defective
  
• may have "magical" thoughts, "sixth sense", odd beliefs, bizarre fantasies
  

[ Dramatic ]

Anti-social (see exploiting people as right)

• over - combatness, tendency to exploit
  
• under - empathy, social sensitivity

Borderline (abusive)

• over - negative schemas
  
• under - positive schemas
  
• see themselves as useless and bad
  
• display extreme behavior for attention
  
• marked reactivity in mood
  
• impulsivity in self-damaging behaviors

Histrionic (want to be center of attention)

• over - exhibitionism, expressionism, impressionism
  
• under - control, reflectiveness
  
• feel a need to impress others
  
• have a strong fear of rejection
  

Narcissistic (grandiose sense of self-importance)

• over - self-importance, competitiveness
  
• under - sharing, group-participation
  
• interpersonally exploitive
  
• arrogant attitudes
  
• believe they are on a higher level than others, that others are inferior
  

[ Fearful ]

Avoidant (avoid activities for fear of ...)

• over - vulnerability, avoidance, inhibition
  
• under - assertion, ability to be outgoing
  
• avoid activities with interpersonal contact
  
• view themselves as inferior
  
• opposite to Histrionic
  

Dependent

• over - tendency to be clinging and help-seeking
  
• under - self-sufficiency, mobility
  
• have difficulties making everyday decisions
  
• lacks self-confidence
  
• constant fear of being left to take care of themselves
  

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

• over - control, responsibility
  
• under - spontaneity, playfulness
  
• pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, mental and personal control
  
• excessive care on details
  
• rigid and stubborn
  

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D.)

• preoccupied with details, rules, order of schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
  
• their perfectionism interferes with task-completion
  
• overly conscientious, scrupulous and inflexible
  

According to the O.C.D. Schema

• mistakes are bad
  
• they know what's best in all situations
  
• perfectionism, applying rules, exerting control
  
• see themselves : responsible, accountable, competent
  see others : irresponsible, casual, incompetent, self-indulgent
  
• all-or-nothing -- perfect-or-not
  

Obsessive-compulsive patients may compensate by doing something that is fun, or at least something they perceive as fun


AXIS I : temporary problems
AXIS II : deep-rooted problems --> personality

---

Personality tests online

• www.zh.com
  
• http://keirsey.com
  
• www.scientology.org/oca.html
  
• www.looksmart.com
  
• www.queendom.com
  
• www.colorquiz.com
  
• www.quincyweb.net
  

Changing our behavior

• You can't have two competing feelings at the same time eg you can't be anxious and relaxed at the same time
  
• Visualization
  
• Quiet activities eg reading, listening to music
  
• Exercise